


Never Growing Old

by firemoth_007



Category: After School (Band), NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fantasy, M/M, mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 11:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12341730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firemoth_007/pseuds/firemoth_007
Summary: Aron is a lost boy. Ren is his neverland.





	Never Growing Old

Aron is twenty-four. And as always, Ren is ageless.

 

"People these days grow up a lot later. Back in my time, you would have forgotten me ten years ago. If we're lucky." Ren takes a bite out of the apple that Aron tossed him. He leans on Aron's headboard and watches the tendrils of smoke dance up above his head.

 

"Should I be thankful then?" Aron breathes out white smoke.

 

"Are you?" As always, Ren reached out for the smoke and watch as it touch his fingers. And as always, he asked questions that were so simple yet difficult to answer.

 

Aron was seven. And Ren, as always, was Ren. Bright eyed and full of wonder.

 

He knew he shouldn't be talking to the boy anymore after his seventh birthday but he didn’t want to break his promise. That's a thing that grownups do, breaking promises. And Ren, being Ren, didn’t want to grow up, didn’t want to grow old. So that night, he sat beside Aron's bed and held his hand.

 

 

Aron was five and he was lost and scared. Maybe he shouldn’t have wandered around when his mom told him to wait for her and stay. Mabe he shouldn’t have followed the ice cream truck and spent the money on the pouch that his mom tucked on his backpack that morning. Maybe he should have kept the small paper in his pocket that had his mom's phone number and their home address too.

 

Maybe he should have asked Ren to go with him that day. Everything seemed much better when Ren was around, even being lost.

 

But as always, Ren was nowhere and everywhere. His mischievous grin appeared before Aron's teary eyes as soon as his name was mouthed by the boy.

 

"Are you alright?" He wasn’t. Scared and cold wasn’t alright. But Ren…being with Ren was more than alright.

 

"Don't leave me." The boy clutched at the hem of Ren's shirt and buried his face there, soaking it with tears, snot and sobs. Ren didn’t mind. He understands what it is like being young and lost. He himself was a lost boy.

 

"I'll never leave you Arongie. Let's go home now. "

 

 

 

 

"Stop calling me Arongie. Stop following me around."

 

Aron was fourteen but he was still lost and scared. Maybe he should have sent Ren away when he told him that he was leaving. Maybe he should have stopped talking to his imaginary friend when he turned seven like all normal kids do. Maybe he could have had actual friends who exist in the real world. Maybe he wouldn’t be bullied for being the school weirdo. Maybe his mom wouldn’t have had to send him to see Dr. Kang every Saturday. Maybe life would be so much better without Ren following him around.

 

It's not that he didn’t like being with Ren anymore. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Ren was better than any "friend" he ever had. Ren was nice to him. He asks him about his day, how he feels about things, what was bothering him, and what his dreams were. Ren never said anything mean to him. He was always comforting, playful but gentle and calm like a morning breeze. Ren never got him in trouble like the other kids did. Ren was his best friend.

 

_But Ren wasn’t real._

 

That's what his mom told him. Ren was nothing but a figment of his imagination. A delusion.

 

Dr. Kang said Aron was sick. He has a word for it. Schizophrenia. But it would go away if Aron attended his therapy regularly. If he takes his medications on the dot.

 

But the other kids, they don’t use that word. It's too big a word for teenagers with such narrow understanding. But even they had a word for it. Crazy. Crazy stays with you regardless of how many blue pills you take. Crazy looks you in the eye with the most beautiful face asking you all kinds of impossible things.

 

"Then stop thinking about me. Can you do that?"

 

 

 

 

 Aron was sixteen, unpopular, depressed and a knife halfway cutting through his wrist. But Ren found him, like he always did. Ren eased him out of the corner, coaxed him away from the blade and told him that everything will be okay.

 

"Nobody understands me."

 

"I do. I always did."

 

"But you're not real."

 

Ren pulled him into his arms.

 

"Am I still not?"

 

Aron hugged him, burying his face in Ren's shirt once again after a long long time. And he felt real. Probably the most real thing in Aron's life. More real than the blood trickling slowly down from his wrist.

 

"Don't fade away, Aron. Don’t fade away. I'm not ready for goodbye. Your mom will miss you. I will miss you. Don't leave us… I love you."

 

His mom found him that night at the bath tub: eyes closed, blood on the floor and his wounded arm hanging at the edge. If it weren't for the sight of his life draining down the bathroom floor, it would be the most peaceful his mom ever saw him look.

 

"What did you do? You foolish child..." The mother sobbed as she gathered him in her arms.

 

The mother blamed the doctor for labeling him crazy. Her son was a nice kid. He never caused anyone any trouble. So what if he talked to a person that no one else could see? He wasn’t dangerous. She blamed the other kids for all the bullying and the school for not protecting her child. Wasn’t it their job to educate their students to be better people? She blamed the father for never being there. Maybe Aron wouldn’t have kept to himself and made up a protector if his father was there for him. But mostly, she blamed herself for being useless. How could she have let this happen to her child? She is his mother. It was her duty to raise him, to see through it that he grows up a decent man. But she has failed greatly. Now there was nothing that she could do. And so she cried.

 

She cried and cried until she heard a heartbeat. And then a gasp. A gasp for air like a leg kicking, swinging for dear life.

 

"Mom? I'm sorry." Aron touched his mother's face. The deep lines slowly fading with a prolonged sigh of relief.

 

"Thank god." The mother prayed. She prayed for the first time in thirteen years. She didn’t have time to be mad. Not even a spare second to ask her child why. All she had time for was to be thankful. Thankful that he was back. That he was right there in her arms, an angel with broken wings. A light in her bleak life. She had nothing. She had no one left except for her son.

 

"I dreamed there was a tunnel. It looked very nice and bright on the other side. But Ren, he pulled me back."

 

"Tell Ren that I'm sorry, and thank him. Thanks for bringing you back."

 

The mother cried more. Not really knowing why. She just held her child in her arms, kissing his face and saying sorry over and over again.

 

 

 

Aron was twenty and he was a complete orphan. At least that's what his documents say. Maybe he didn’t have blood relatives to go to but he had Ren. He will always have Ren. And it was a relief.

 

Even as an adult, psychiatric records stick like gum to your shoes. But he didn’t care anymore. He learned that the people who matter don’t really care if you dream up seven impossible things before breakfast. His mom didn’t care. Neither did Nana.

 

Nana was his first girlfriend, and he was sure that she would be his last. They've been together for a year then but Aron was certain that there would be no other girl in his life.

 

Theirs wasn’t a story that would make it to the pages of romantic novels. There weren't any butterflies, no skipping heartbeats, no magical moment of realization that they've found the love of their lives. There was no spark or lightning but a steady state of growing comfort in each other's presence. Aron was the little prince and Nana was the fragrant rose. Aron was a drifting log in a river. Nana was a quiet shore.

 

During the times when Aron and Nana were together, Ren would not appear. But Aron wasn’t afraid that he'd be gone forever. Ren would be sure to poke his side every night, reminding him that he had forgotten to eat dinner again, _you'd get sick and you'd die_. He would wake Aron up every morning so that he wouldn’t be late for work at the café that he worked in. He'd softly poke his cheek, _wakey wakey, sleepyhead, the sun is shining and the grownups need their coffee_.

 

Sometimes he would interrupt Aron who was grinding the coffee beans, asking him why he should work in a café instead of a candy shop, coffee is bitter, yuck. Aron would tell him that the candy shop owner didn’t want a crazy guy handing sweets to kids, now shush and here is your candy, I need to work. Ren would reply by crinkling his nose and pfft, you have grown up so much now, soon you'd forget about me. The answer was always no, I'd never forget about you.

 

 

Aron was twenty-two and hopeless. Nana broke up with him but it didn’t hurt. He just felt a sense of loss, an uncomfortable need to rewire his routines around his newfound solitude. But there was no pain in his chest; none of the stages of grief came except for acceptance. He felt guilty for not even missing her. Yes he missed the relationship but not the girl. And once this realization dawned on him, it was like an arrow opening a hollow cave in his heart.

 

_I love you._

He said these words countless times to Nana but it meant nothing. Three years vanished into the horizon and he couldn’t even remember a moment where he was truly happy and contented. He just took what he could take, never asking _do I really want this?_

 

He has never loved. He never even tried. He felt nothing.

 

Aron felt empty and nothing could console him. He would drink himself blind every night just to keep himself from thinking, to keep himself from feeling how painful nothing feels. He would smoke away his anxiety but it kept on consuming him as fast as his cigarettes burnt away.

 

But like every single time that he was lost, down and out, Ren would be there; a small clear voice of his youth slowly giving away to the harsh cacophony of adulthood, yet still there every time he needed a friend.

 

"You'll be alright."

 

"Would I?"

 

"Do you want to be?"

 

Of course he did. Nobody wanted to stay in loneliness, guilt and regret. But without loneliness, guilt and regret, who would he be? It was all he had. Without it, he might as well be like Ren. A figment of someone's imagination.

 

 

 

 

Aron was twenty-three and he was tired. Tired of trying to be someone to somebody, tired of waiting for the day his life would turn around.

 

He had no luck with women. He was bad at conversations.

 

_It's not you, it's me. You're a nice guy. You deserve better than me. You try too hard. You're not trying hard enough. You don't understand. It's just not working out._

There's just something about him that drove them away even before they get to find out that he had two restraining orders: one from Nana and another from a boy who looked a lot like Ren. His name was Choi Minki and he lived near the playground where Aron last talked to Ren.

 

Ren, he was nowhere to be found.

 

It weighed Aron down more than his break up with Nana. It weighed him down more than his mother’s death. In his mother’s death, he had Ren. But without Ren, he had no one. No friends. No loved ones. He might as well be a dead person.

 

But then again, maybe the universe had a plan. He met Minhyun.

 

Minhyun was beautiful. He was a spoiled brat, annoying and immature. He hired Aron to man the front desk because he thought Aron was ‘dashing and cute, just change those greaser jeans of yours and no smoking during your shift’.

 

Little by little, Aron learned how to smile. It was hard not to when Minhyun kept fawning over him like he was some cute puppy when Minhyun himself was flawless.

 

And then he learned how to laugh. He did one afternoon when Minhyun slipped on the wet floor because the goof was too busy waving at him, blowing air kisses. Aron rushed towards his boss to ask if he was alright. The reply was a hug on his waist, and I’d be better if you go out with me tonight.

 

And he did. He wasn’t really sure why but he did.

 

That night, everything was magical. The moon in the horizon was enchanting. The air smelled of sweetness and Aron wasn't sure if it was Minhyun’s perfume or his shampoo. He somehow got himself buried between the strands of Minhyun’s soft dark hair, holding fistfuls of soft hands. It was almost like being in love.

 

 

Minhyun was the one who said it. Aron couldn’t say it back. Not this time. Not this fast. If he was going to say that again, he would make sure that he meant it. But Minhyun was surprisingly understanding.

 

“It’s okay, take your time. I’d wait for you. There’s no need to rush. We’re still young. I know it’s not easy coming out the first time. We’d take it slow. Just don’t run away from me, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

The promise he made, reminded him of Ren. Ren promised that he’d never leave but where was he now? He wondered if he’d ever see him again. He wondered if he really just dreamed him up and the pills he took just worked too late. But what about Minki? He can’t have dreamed up Minki too, right? The court order telling him that he wasn’t to initiate any contact with the boy lest he wanted to be behind bars was a testimony that Minki was real.

 

Real but out of reach.

 

But Minhyun was there, waiting for him patiently. Showering him with unconditional love and affection that he didn’t even think he deserved. But he liked it. He liked himself when he was with Minhyun. Minhyun made him believe that he was worth it.

 

After mustering enough courage, he told Minhyun about his past. About his father who left when he was three, about Nana who broke up with him to be with another guy. About Minki, a seventeen year old boy for whom he broke eight laws to see. And most importantly, about Ren.

 

Ren was his only friend. Ren was his fortress. Ren was the only thing that got him through all the tragedies of his life.

 

Ren was his first love and he was gone without even saying goodbye.

 

“Maybe you grew up too much.”

 

“Maybe…”

 

“Let’s get your youth back.” There was a smile on Minhyun’s face,

 

 

 

 

At first, Aron saw Ren only in his dreams.

 

Ren was an ephemeral oasis. A deep well closed off for him except in moments of deep slumber. And even then, he was not even close enough to hold him.

 

During Aron’s waking moments, his senses were filled with Minhyun.

 

Minhyun’s booming laughter. Minhyun’s sweet and spicy musk. Minhyun’s soft touches and warm embrace. Minhyun’s endearing voice saying _I love you Aron, I love you too Minhyun, I know you can’t say it yet so I’d say it for us._

But day by day, ever so slowly, Aron won his youth back. He was smiling more often. Humming a happy tune as he went about work. Running and dancing in the rain. Flying the kites he never flew. And Minhyun was there with him in every step of the way, an eternal child who finally found his playmate.

 

On a sunny April morning, a soft poke on his cheek woke Aron up.

 

"Wakey wakey, sleepyhead. The sun is shining and it's your birthday today. Let's go to the amusement park."

 

It was Ren's voice and Aron didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t want the dream to end.

 

"Five more minutes." _Maybe ten more. I just want to see a glimpse of Ren._

Another poke on his cheek.

 

"Arongie… wake up. I'm hungry. Well, not really hungry. But there's a cake by your door and I don’t want to ruin your birthday cake before you could blow it." A finger was tracing Aron's lips and he couldn’t smell Minhyun's scent.

 

It was Ren.

 

If Aron were dreaming or not, he didn’t really care because Ren was inches from his face, looking exactly the same since he last saw him. It was no wonder, Ren never aged a single day since Aron could remember.

 

Aron wanted to know why he disappeared, where he went and how come he was back now. But he didn’t ask for explanations. Explanations were for grownups. For children there was magic. And he was holding magic in his hands right now.

 

"You're back."

 

"I was never gone."

 

 

 

 

"Isn't there any other way?" There must be, right? This was Ren he was talking to after all. Ren who found him whenever he was lost. Ren who comforted him when he was lonely. Ren who came back to him after he though he had lost him forever.

 

"Well, you can come away with me." A boyish grin crept on his face.

 

"Minhyun would be worried mad if I eloped with my imaginary friend. Where would we be going anyway? Neverland?" A low chuckle.

 

Yes. Minhyun was a consideration these days. But ever since Ren came back, Aron saw him less and less. _I don't feel well today. No, you'd catch it too. I'll call you later. I miss you too. Bye._

 

"Do you like Minhyun more than me?" It wasn’t an accusation but a sincere question. His eyes were a little sad. Ren wasn’t like the grownups who hide their feelings with accusations or indifference.

 

"Don’t be silly. You know you’re always first."

 

"I don't know that. People change. People grow up. You too. You're forgetting me soon." And once he forgot?

 

"We’d still be friends right?"

 

"Friends don't forget each other. If you forget me and you pass me by the street, I’d be a stranger. But you won't pass me by the street. If you forget me, I'd just be gone. And you won't remember that you once smiled for me."

 

"You're not making this easy."

 

"But you would forget. Forgetting is easy. It's always more difficult for the forgotten."

 

"If I forget you, would you forget me too?"

 

"Not in a thousand years."

 

 

 

Aron is twenty-four but only for an hour more. Ren was on his bed, taking the last bite out of the apple.

 

"If I go with you, what would happen to my house, my job, Minhyun, everything that is tying me down here?" It wasn’t a question but a proposal.

 

"I don't really know. I suppose they'd belong to someone else since they'd no longer belong to you." Ren looked up and saw that Aron was contemplating it.

 

Would he really be okay with Minhyun belonging to someone else? Rather would Minhyun be okay, belonging to someone else? Minhyun is a nice person and Aron wouldn’t want him to be hurt by anyone just because he wasn’t around to protect him.

 

But who was he kidding? It was Minhyun who protected him all this time and not the other way around. Minhyun was okay before Aron. He'd be okay without him and it was vanity on Aron's part to think otherwise.

 

"Would I forget him? Would he forget me too?" Oh, then it would be too easy. To forget. To be blissfully unaware of what you miss. Only the decision was hard.

 

"Would you rather that you don't? Neverland is a nice place. You won't miss anything."

 

Ren knew that he was being selfish. But it was a selfishness unlike the grownups'. Grownups rationalize everything. Love, hate, even their own greed. Ren recognizes that he was just greedy. He wants Aron for himself. Was it too bad?

 

"He wouldn’t remember me, would he? I'd be a lost boy, like you."

 

Ren smiled.

 

"I was never a lost boy. I had a home in you."

 

Aron laughed as he realized he was the one who was always lost. Ren knew where to go home to while he searched far and wide just to find it right by his side lying on his bed, counting the minutes till he forgets.

 

"What do I have to do to get to Neverland with you?" Aron tossed the cigarette out the window and into the night, a new smile on his face; one Ren has never seen before.

 

"Close your eyes." Ren came closer to him, hovering above his face. Hiis breath was apple flavored while his hair smelled like cigarettes. Aron looked at him with much anticipation and a hint of longing. Ren leaned closer.

 

Was it a blush fanning on the apples of his cheeks? It was hard to tell; the light was low and he was too close for Aron to focus on anything aside from his own heartbeats and held breath.

 

"Close your eyes so that I could do what I'm supposed to do." A poke on his cheek.  Aron shook his head.

 

"I've always wanted to know how your face would look like if I kissed you." 

 


End file.
